Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Where Life Will Lead

As kids, we're asked all the time what we want to be when we grow up. At various points in my childhood, I wanted to be a dancer, a country singer and briefly, a doctor before I realized that blood freaks me out. In high school, I wanted nothing more than to move to New York and become a magazine editor.

To this day, my favorite recital picture. 1994.

My brief stint with singing. And fake hair. 2002.
(I was a member of a group that would go sing at nursing homes. And apparently, at the Fourth of July.)

I was such a goober. Interviewing the band Blue October for my high school magazine was the highlight of the year. 2004, I think.

We're asked so often as kids what we want.  And then we spend our entire high school and college careers working toward the dreams that we've developed over the first 18 years of life, with the expectation that the thing(s) you choose to do in school will be what you'll spend the rest of your life doing.

I kind of expected that at 26, I'd know what the hell I want to do with my life. And I don't.

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Matt says this is his last year of grad school. If all goes as planned, he intends to walk across that stage in May, get his Ph.D., and get the heck out of dodge. He's been talking a lot lately about the future. Will he have to get a post-doc? Will he be qualified for tenure-track professorship positions? Where will we go to pursue these dreams?

And the one that's been nagging me: what about me?

It's selfish. I know. But I graduated college and moved straight to College Station to be with Matt, knowing it wasn't the right market for my chosen career path. At 21, I knew what I wanted, career-wise, and I made a choice not to pursue it. (And let's be honest. I can complain all day long about it, but I know if I could do it all again, I wouldn't change a thing.)

I always expected that, despite my choices thus far, at some point I'd finally get the chance to get my "real" career off the ground. But now I'm not even sure what that career should look like.

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The other night, Matt and I were talking about a job he wanted to apply for, somewhere far away from our families and in a smaller town than where we are now, and I found myself in tears. So I did the only reasonable thing I could think of, and called my friend Alyson, who also chose to follow her husband and put her career prospects second.

She reminded me that nothing is permanent. Just because you're doing something that is not your dream job today doesn't mean you won't get the chance later. Maybe you won't even want the same things later. Just because you're not in the big city you dreamed of doesn't mean there are no options for you. And just because you move somewhere, doesn't mean you're stuck there forever if you hate it.

She admitted she doesn't know what she wants out of life either. And it made me feel better to know that I'm not the only one.

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When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? What did you end up doing? And are you happy?

6 comments

  1. I'm in a similar position: My fiancĂ© has his dream job, while I still don't know what I want to do with my life. It's scary at times, but I have to have confidence that things will work out in the end. Since everything else is coming together (buying a house, planning a wedding), the job front will, too—eventually.

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  2. I totally understand your feelings Allie! I've been supportive of my husband while he went to school for his career and while he's been looking for a job. We will end up going wherever he gets a job, but who know if that will be close to a school where I can pursue a Ph.D. or a Masters or continue on my current career path? Will it be too late? How will it affect our family planning? all these things weigh on me heavily. I think I've always wanted to be a teacher, but not a high school teacher, a college professor. I want to be a counselor and advisor as well as a lecturer and researcher. Right now, I'm working in higher ed administration because I held a work study position in admissions and really liked it, and I got a job in it. I can't decide if I should just stay on this path, or really pursue a Ph. D. And I can't help but feel like it's becoming too late.

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    1. I don't think it's ever "too late" to do what you really want to do. My mom went back to college at age 47 because she wanted to teach kindergarten, and now she's doing it.

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    2. I really agree with your comment above, Allie! I think it's great to keep an open mind, and it seems like so many people have success these days by getting out there and creating their dream jobs. I always planned to be a SAHM, but as my boys are getting older, I realize that I want to have something outside of that, too. I think it's always a journey and a learning experience.

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  3. I wanted to be an art teacher for the longest time, then I realized I didn't like waiting for kids to do art and it wasn't nearly as fun as it was doing the art as a kid. So now I'm a packaging graphic designer and it's pretty nice. Part of me feels like I should have some more aspirations beyond this job and having a baby some day, but I don't.

    Hubs wants to go to school for a masters in business and then travel to a different country and work, so like you... I had a teary conversation thinking about just going wherever he wants and being worried about being jobless and faraway from all our family. Of course our husbands aren't going to push us somewhere we really hate and it will be agreed upon, but like Alyson says... all is not forever.

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    1. I'm right there with you, in that I worry that my aspirations are too limited, or that I don't have enough of them! But really, I've graduated college, I got married, we've bought a house ... the obvious next "aspiration" is kids, and that is so not happening anytime soon! I wonder what other people aspire to?

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