When His Career Comes First

Today, I want to talk about something serious. I want to talk about what it means to follow a spouse in the pursuit of their career over yours.

I've done it. Some of you have done it too. So can we be honest with each other?

Most of the time, when I think about the career I could have had, I'm kind of bitter.

This is the life I chose. I didn't have to choose it, but I did. I have a fantastic life.

I know that if I'd chosen not to move, not to marry, not to tie my raft to his, I would have regretted it every day for the rest of my life.

But most of the time, when I really think about the sacrifices I've made in my career in order to allow Matt to pursue his, I don't have a very good attitude about it.

This is something I've known and felt for years. I keep pushing it down, because it's not Matt's fault, and it's not productive to dwell on it. But I got a text message from Matt's sister the other day, and I felt I finally had to deal with my feelings about it head on.

Her husband, my brother-in-law, plans to start grad school soon. He had an on-site interview with one of the schools he applied to last week, and I texted her to find out how it went. It apparently went well, and I congratulated them. Regardless of which school he chooses, the two of them would be moving away from Texas themselves.

She said she didn't quite know what she's going to do yet, wherever they go, but that she knew I could sympathize.

I didn't respond to that message. I started to type a sarcastic comment, and then stopped. Why, WHY does this make me so unhappy?

I've chosen to move twice for Matt's schooling and Matt's career, but the places we go don't have many career options for me. I find myself settling for jobs that are good enough, but that will never be what I had envisioned for myself. I find myself struggling to be positive when I think about the opportunities I've given up, the dream I've set aside, the life I could have had.

It's a terrible feeling to have. That negativity is draining, and unhelpful, but it's there. I can't pretend it's not.

I'm not sure what to say. I don't want my sister-in-law to feel this way. And I don't want to feel this way anymore either. I want to be able to be positive, to not have regrets, to be accepting of what is, to be an encouragement to someone who's jumping in my boat for the first time.

What would you tell her? How can we, together, you and me, take steps to stop begrudging our spouses for the choices we've made? If you've made your peace, how did you do it?