Friday, November 7, 2014

What I Whisper In The Dark

There are just some things that you can't say to someone's face.

I could give examples, but I'm sure you can come up with your own. Insert it here.

In my case, I try so hard, so much of the time, to be happy. To make the most of every situation. And it's hard for me to say that I'm not okay, because I desperately want to be okay, and to be content with what I've got.

I've never really had to start my life from scratch before. In the fifth grade, my family moved from one side of Dallas to the other, but I still had my friends and my extra curricular activities in our old city. When I went off to college, my roommate was a friend from high school, and another of our friends lived directly across the dorm hallway. When I graduated and moved to College Station, Matt had already lived there for four years, and had a solid network of friends we'd hang out with, and I made friends with their girlfriends, who eventually became their wives.

Moving to Virginia has been really hard. I got here and knew no one. Matt had only been here a few weeks longer than I had, and really only knew a few co-workers, most of whom were just acquaintances, not yet friends.

And then Matt's work schedule blew up, and he was working from 7 a.m. until 11 p.m., midnight, 2 a.m., 3 a.m. And I've done my best to get out of the house, go do things, keep myself occupied, but without a job yet, without knowing anyone very well, I am alone a lot.

In those few snatched moments together, he asks me if I'm okay. And I say yes, I am fine. I am happy you're here.

But things break. I was getting frustrated, and bored, and you know I don't do bored. On Sunday, he came home from work right before midnight, and I was busy screaming at him in my head so I wouldn't have to do it out loud, because I know it's not something he can control. I just wanted to go to sleep, for him to go away because it'd be easier than being honest. Because what I was yelling in my head was that I was ready to go back to Texas, that I'd be happy to leave everything here and just take myself home, where I belonged.

God, I miss home.

We were lying there, me with my eyes closed, when he asked if he could take me on a date. I cracked open one eye, and said the same thing I did when he asked me to marry him. "Really?"

It felt weird. Awkward, in a way that we never have been, even at the beginning. It was like there was a valley between us filled with all the things we weren't saying, all the things I couldn't bring myself to say to him. Things like, I am not doing very well here so far. That I would never actually go anywhere without you, that it's not your fault, but that I am hurting a lot right now, and don't know how to make things better for us here.

So I waited until the light went out after our date. Until the breathing quiet. And I told him in my quietest whisper, not even sure if he'd be able to hear me. And he already knew. But it was a relief to say it.

16 comments

  1. I understand. The move to Chicago has had its ups and downs for us so far too. I've made a few friends in my classes, but we're still in the early stages and it would be really nice to know people outside of school as well. I feel so lonely sometimes, and just longing to have someone who KNOWS me (or even someone who has the same accent as me!). And Josh works with just a few people, all who are much older than him, so I know he is struggling with having no friends yet. Moving is hard. You're allowed to feel this way. *hugs*

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  2. This post brought tears my eyes. It is so honest and raw. Ryan actually turned down a job opportunity in another big city because I couldn't see it working for our family or for me. Marriage is so hard, and a big move can be a huge adjustment. I'm glad you were able to tell him how you really felt, and it's completely okay to feel that way. It will take time, but I hope things will get better. Big hugs.

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  3. Katie @ A Beautiful Little AdvNovember 7, 2014 at 12:47 PM

    Things will get better. You have done something very scary. I know how those lonely feelings can take over and consume you. You are doing an amazing things by supporitng you husband. But isn't marriage sometimes so lonely? Hang in there. Scream out your thoughts! Write them down! You're not alone.

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  4. Aww, I'm sorry it hasn't been easy. I 100% expected to feel that way moving here, but a crazy thing happened (likely due to forced interactions because of kids) and I actually feel like this is home now. Give it some more time and bitch to Matt about it all you want because you will feel better and he will be able to better support you.

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  5. Moving miles and miles away from home is really hard. Especially if you don't have a reason to get out of the house and interact with people every day. Those feelings of homesickness and isolation are totally normal, but admitting them to a spouse is tough--you don't want to seem unsupportive or like you've already thrown in the towel.

    I've been in Boston for eight months and I still feel overwhelming heartsickness for Texas occasionally. BUT it's gotten much less intense since I started working here. Give it time. Keep plugging away at the job search--you'll find something eventually, and it will help immensely. See if you can connect with other Texans or Sooners in your area (either through the Aggie Network, MeetUp.com, or OU's alumni club)--you'd be amazed at how much better you feel just being around people with similar heritage.

    I've felt like dropping everything and moving home more times than I care to admit, but it helps if I remind myself that moving somewhere new is actually a really wonderful opportunity that very few people get to experience. You're going to have so many new adventures that you wouldn't have had otherwise, and you're going learn SO MUCH about yourself and your values along the way. The soul-crushing loneliness is awful, but it's temporary. That heavy, hard-to-breathe pain that you feel now will wear off as you start to feel more comfortable in your new town and begin making connections.

    Hang in there--it's going to get better.

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  6. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. It's so hard to pick up and start over.

    For me, after awhile it came together. Acquaintances became friends, their friends became our friends, and in five years I have transformed into feeling like this IS home. Sometimes I wish I could transplant the missing people, though.

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  7. i wish i could hug you or, better yet, buy a plane ticket and come visit. jon's job moved us to mondovi, wi (a town of 2500) a few months after we got engaged, and so we left chicago - the land of our friends and family - and moved to this small town where i didn't get cellphone reception. we had each other, yet, but whenever he was at work - oh gosh - i took walks and busied myself and wished for friends and read books and hoped hoped hoped change was just around the corner. i'll keep you in my prayers sweet girl.

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  8. Hugs for you and Josh too. I'm not sure if it's as big in Chicago as it is here, but I'm on Meetup, and have gone to a few events through that so far. But you're right, it's totally that culture shock of not knowing a ton about the area and no one knowing about the place you're from either.

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  9. Thanks. I'm going to try to be more open with him. It's not that there's a lack of honesty, it's just that I don't want to be unhappy, and so if I say I'm happy and if I act happy, I feel like I might just BE happy by default. And maybe that can't always be the case.

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  10. YES. No one ever talks about how lonely it can be, being with someone else. Things will get better - they're already getting better - and I appreciate your encouragement.

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  11. I'm glad ya'll are settling in so well. I was a little worried about you at first, since I know you prefer to be at home! We miss ya'll a ton!

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  12. Thank you. Those are really good ideas, and I'll see what we can fine. And I know we're very blessed, but it's nice to hear that I'm not the only one who's like, it's been long enough, get me out of here! :) I'm glad to hear that it's gotten better for you too.

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  13. Right?! If only real life was just like weddings, where all the people you love come back together and stay there. But yeah, I know we'll eventually have good friends and it won't be so sad. Keep on keepin' on.

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  14. Aw, that is so sweet of you. Thank you. And such a small town you moved to, my goodness! I've been reading a lot too, and going out to explore the town. Who are some of your favorite book friends that kept you company when you moved?

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  15. I remember watching my parents drive away after helping me set up my new apartment in Oklahoma. I didn't know anyone, and I was really scared and alone. But it does get better, and at least you DO have someone to be there with you. The best advice I can give is to invite yourself to any and everything. Just start going to stuff, and you'll meet people, and it will be awesome, and then soon enough you'll be like Texas what? :)

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  16. Absolutely, I've been trying to go to as many activities as possible, and it's helped with meeting new potential friends. :)

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