Monday, June 2, 2014

Honestly

This post was written in March. It's still brutally relevant. I can feel myself starting to fall into that desperate, frustrated place again, so I thought it was about time to share.

For the last two weeks, how have I been holding it together? With a lot of stress and inadvertent crying.

Yesterday, we had a church council meeting. It was heated with discussions about where we want our church to go, where we want to be in five years, what our faith needs to look like if we expect those things to happen, and I was already exhausted before we even started digging for the answers.

After the meeting, a woman that I respect but am not super close with, asked me how Matt's job search was going, and I immediately burst into tears.

I apologized for it too. "I'm sorry. This keeps happening. I can't make it stop."

She gave me a hug, and reminded me that, in nicer words than I'm going to say here, we women really can handle a heck of a lot of shit happening to us, as long as we feel secure. And when we don't feel that security, it makes dealing with all the shit that much harder.
Matt received a job offer from a university really, really far away. It was a really, really good offer. We discussed it non-stop for over a week, before determining that, at this point in our lives, maybe it wasn't the best decision for us to commit to living that far away from our families for that long (minimum six years for tenure, maximum FOREVER). He felt good about this decision. I agreed that, long term, it was the right move to turn it down, but in the short-term, I couldn't believe he was willing to turn down a sure thing, some kind of security when we've been flailing to stay afloat for months.

Or maybe it's just me, feeling like I'm sinking? He feels confident that something else, something better will come along. And I … it's not that I don't believe he's telling the truth. It's just that you can't KNOW. KNOWING you'll eventually have a job does not make it easier today, when uncertainty is all you have.

I couldn't turn off the faucet. My face leaked and leaked, all the way home, sitting in the carport with the radio blasting, Matt coming out to find me sobbing against the car window. And it continued to drip as he brought my things inside and wrapped me in a blanket and held me.

It's nice to know that even when I can't hold myself together, that I've got someone else to help keep me intact.

12 comments

  1. This is such a sweet and honest post. I know this process has been so stressful for you both, and it's great that you can lean on each other.

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    1. Thank you. We do go through bouts where I'm the one reassuring him too!

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  2. oh gosh, allie, i wish i could come over and eat some bluebell and hug you. but you know what? it sounds like matt is courageous and know's what he wants -- that's a good thing, right? i'll keep you in my prayers -- hopefully some good news is coming soon.

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    1. Thanks Jennifer. I hope so too. Definitely a good thing he knows what he wants, but sometimes you don't get what you want! :)

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  3. I've totally been there. We are blessed to have our men who can support us when the faucet is leaking like crazy. Praying for you guys! God knows what you're going through too, which is the most comforting of all to me when I don't know what's going on.

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    1. Thanks Amanda. I started reading "10 Things Jesus Never Said" on a whim yesterday, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. The whole first section is about Jesus calling the weary and burdened to find rest in him, and it was so calming to read that.

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  4. *hugs* I understand. I haven't been in this exact situation, but over the past year with my immigration problems we have felt so insecure and nothing has been certain. I just have to keep telling myself a prayer from St Jude: All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well. A simple thing, but one that kept me grounded. But the uncertainty and terror of the unknown is something that is very hard to shake. You guys will come out the other side. You can do this. One day you will look back on it and it will be a small blip on the larger narrative of your life. But right now it is very hard, and I hope that it becomes easier for you very soon.

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    1. Thanks Bonnie. I love that: "All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." I'm going to write that on a post-it and put it on the back wall of my desk.

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  5. Big hugs, Allie. As hard as it was to share, I hope that hitting that publish button gave you a little relief knowing you have so many people to support you. It sounds like you and Matt have a solid foundation and even though you turned down a sure thing, you can find other ways to make everything work until the right position comes along.

    We can't let fear run our lives. My husband and I bought our house when he was unemployed and I was the one that had to sign all the paperwork since unemployment doesn't count as true income. We had no idea when a job would come along or when the unemployment would finally run out. A year into homeowning, a position came available just when we needed it to. Things will happen when they happen and stressing about it will only cause you more harm...oh how I wish I could have had those words 5 years ago! My health was a mess from worrying and now I know better ways to deal with the stress than drive myself to getting sick. Sorry for the novel lol...I will keep you guys in my thoughts and hope things work out for the best soon!

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    1. Thanks Kristie. I know I feel better when I'm not worrying but … worrying gives me something to do about it! :) It's just so hard to wait on the right timing.

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  6. I know how you're feeling and I hope you never feel alone, even when the only thing you feel is constant is your frustration and tears. Hold on tight to each other and I'll always be around to vent to or anything. Like you I'm a constant worrier I know how heavy things can feel at times especially when you are not in control at all. Things WILL change, make the most of what you have right now in THIS moment. Hugs.

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    1. Of course not, I am aware how SURROUNDED I am by people who love and care about us, and I appreciate that so, so much. Thank you for your sweet words! I'm looking forward to things looking up!

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