Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Questions We Ask, and The Ones We Don't

Last week, in a moment of intense frustration with how life is going at the moment, I wrote a draft post that was basically like, "EVERYONE STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MATT BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT DISSERTATIONS AND GRADUATIONS AND MOVING AND NOT KNOWING." It was angry and full of fire and spit.

I decided I should let the post sit over the weekend, because I knew that there was a good chance I would eventually calm down and regret spewing vitriol all over the internet. Good call, Past Allie, because after letting it marinate for a few days, I realized that I'm not frustrated by the questions themselves. When it comes to our close friends and our families, I'm happy to talk about possibilities, and worries, and my insecurity about what comes next, even if it's all things I've said before.

Rather, I'm frustrated by the fact that a lot of my day-to-day interactions with people are only surface level, that the only things people know about me are the answers I give to these few questions, because they're the only questions anyone bothers to ask. And I'm frustrated by it because, I feel, it gives others the impression that waiting on Matt to graduate is the only thing I have going on in my life.  It's not. But I don't get asked a lot of questions about how LIFE is going.

I'm keeping myself busy. I'm leaving Matt alone to do his work and making plans to do things for myself, to keep my soul happy. I'm visiting my family and taking classes and going out with friends, and someday maybe I'll tell you about all of it, because it's way more interesting than what's actually happening in my house, which is this:

Day 12: Matt is in my office writing his dissertation. He has consumed 23 Diet Cokes and four cups of coffee in the last six hours. He thinks he broke the coffeemaker. He definitely moved all my work stuff.

Day 13: Coffeemaker not broken, just leaked all over the counter. Out of Diet Coke. Elliott sleeping on a giant parka in the office. Dishes piled four feet high in the sink. Matt still writing. 

Day 17: Matt wrote until 1:45 a.m. Know this because it scared me awake when he opened the door to brush his teeth and go to bed.

Cat, learn how to do some dishes.

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There's this girl I see at a lot of networking events. We don't know each other well, but we work in similar fields. We're probably pretty close in age, and by all means should have things to talk about, but every time we see each other, I feel like a fake. We smile at each other, ask how business is going, laugh and say "Oh, great!" and then we find an excuse to talk to other people. I literally know nothing else about her. After this happened yet again earlier this month, I realized that I hated myself for doing that, for not asking anything else, for not knowing what to ask her.

When I was in high school and college, my dad always asked people what they liked to do for fun; a good question that has nothing to do with work. It cuts down into the part of you that people don't know about, leaving behind unimportant things like what you do to pay the bills and asks, What do you do when you're not doing what you DO? What makes you come alive? What was worth waking up for today?

So simple. What do you do for fun. I need to come up with some good questions like that. I don't want to be a surface-level person anymore. The thing that I'm really tired of? Small talk. Small talk for small minds, or what have you. I'd rather have a big, big mind.

What are your favorite questions to ask others? And while we're on the subject, what do you like to do for fun? P.S. "Blogging" is a cop-out answer. Give me something crazy that no one knows. :)

14 comments

  1. Ugh I SO get it. We are going through some weird transitional stuff too, and I used to get so frustrated with the questions about "how we were doing" and "what's next". Turns out I was just frustrated at not knowing the answer, not at having to give my rote surface-y ones. I've only admitted to a handful of people THAT part of it. But why? I'm afraid to be vulnerable like that to people I guess. Silly.

    My go-tos are pretty straightforward, but when I first meet someone I will always ask where they're from originally (very few people in our town are born and raised here). What's their family like, what do they do for work. Later in a conversation topics like what they do for fun and for work come up, but I usually always start there. Boring. I like your idea of cutting straight to the deeper stuff, cutting to what makes them come alive. So simple!

    As for what I do for fun, obviously the cop-out answer is true, I do like to blog (and blog-network!) :) BUT I also like to cook, pretend I'm a restaurant critic and keep trying new things at new restaurants and yelp the heck outta them (I'd blog about it but most of the places we go are pretty local so it wouldn't apply to anyone but us haha), travel (and plan trips we may not ever take), sew/refashion, and makeover furniture. Weird but it's fun!

    Girl, what do YOU do for fun?

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    1. whoa that was super long--it looked shorter in the scrolling comment box haha

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    2. I love that you pretend to be a food critic! That's awesome. We haven't done this in a long time, but we used to try and plate our food all fancy, like we were on Top Chef or something.

      I also like to cook, especially for other people. Not so much if it's just me. :) I also like to dance, any kind of dance. I'm still taking tap, but I've also taken ballet, jazz, hip hop, clogging, ballroom, modern, lyrical and swing classes! (And even a belly dancing class once haha.) Not all at the same time, of course, and some of them didn't last all that long, but I just love it all.

      What your family is like is a GREAT question. Everyone's got a ridiculous story waiting to be told with that one!

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  2. I love this post - I'm the worst at small talk and coming up with good things to talk to new people about. I also totally know the frustration of that surface-level conversation. I had a lot of that frustration when I was pregnant because I got the same surface-level questions over and over...it starts to feel like people don't really care at all.

    What I do for fun - I love to read, sit around and watch television, and honestly I do love to blog. I also love spending time with my family and trying new things! :)

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    1. YES. Even though you know people care enough to ask in the first place, it does still feel crummy. It seems like those bland questions occur a lot through all the big life changes — getting married, having kids, changing jobs/looking for work.

      I love trying new things too! Stealing Ayesha's question: what have you been reading lately? :)

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  3. Oh, Allie. I totally feel you. I hate when people ask me about E's job search, and then offer advice that makes me want to say, "NO. Really?! Why haven't we thought of that? palm to forehead"

    My favorite question to ask others is what they're reading or recently watched films that they have seen. What I do for fun is in line with my question: I read or I go to a movie alone. I drink wine with my best friend, and make sure to get ice cream once a week. Also, we sometimes play Kinect games and go out to karaoke.

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    1. Heh, I've gotten a lot of that lately about Matt's job search, like did we think to look on A&M's job boards?? Because they're a great way for new grads to find jobs!! Um. Obviously.

      Those are good questions too. Even if someone's not a reader, most everyone has seen something they've liked or hated recently, even if it's just on Netflix or a TV movie.

      I haven't done karaoke in a really long time! I should find out if any bars around here are doing that soon.

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  4. When my husband switched to working at home full-time, someone at the playground asked me if I loved it. I guess I was iffy in my response (because who wants to be together ALL the time?), and she said, "You must be really introverted."

    I really like to watch movies or TV with my phone, and then look up random things as I think of them, like does so-and-so have a lisp, are those two actors together, etc. Obviously, I don't do that when I'm watching something with my husband. :P

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    1. What a weird question! I would kind of hate it if both Matt and I worked from home. I think we would distract each other way too much, and I would have a hard time getting work done. But I suppose if you both go to work every day, being home together maybe sounds perfect? (For a little while lol, then she'd see!)

      I've found I'm so guilty of playing games on my phone while watching TV, and I end up missing things that happen on my shows if I'm not paying close enough attention! But I will look up an actor if I recognize them from somewhere but can't remember where.

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  5. Girl I hear you. At work I deal with/talk to about 20 people/day, and I only see most of them 1 day per week... so really I get to know very few people well at my job, and everyone around me seems to know each other much, much better than I do. It can be a bummer and I know some of them are really interesting people that I wish I had time to get to know better. I just try to chip away at that "not knowing" a little bit at a time, but other than that I don't know what to do about it. :(

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    1. That sounds so frustrating. It doesn't sound like you get much time with any of them, but hopefully you can find a way to connect. And it's true, it takes time to build up friendships, so a little bit at a time is better than not trying at all.

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  6. I'm so guilty of the small talk syndrome, especially at work with the people that I just haven't been able to establish a connection with. I try to ask about their weekends though, since that usually gives an idea of their interests and priorities. For fun I like watching tv, reading, and playing with my pup :)

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    1. I always thought small talk was just so EASY, and I didn't understand why so many people hated it. Well, universe, I'm eating my words! You finally broke me!

      Asking about their weekend is a good one. Maybe even spinning it to ask about the most awesome thing that happened to them over the weekend. Someone asked me that tonight, what was the best thing that's happened to me this week, and it was really refreshing!

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  7. This is EXCELLENT. I feel like I recently read a post or an article or maybe I was just talking to someone about questions and asking real questions that get people talking. I think it was like, don't ask your friend "how is work?" ask them: "What do you like about work right now?" or something to that effect that won't get a "fine" answer. I think asking what they like to do for fun is a good one! Also, way to be awesome and sit on your rant post for the weekend. I've had a few of those myself :) For fun, I like to run. Yes, for fun. You know me! And I like to crochet and scrapbook and play tennis. Although I haven't played tennis in far too long. I also like to bake and take pictures... I have a lot of hobbies!

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