I Know I Don't Need to Be Sorry, but I Still Am

I've always been a bit of a people-pleaser, on top of being a social butterfly. Working from home usually means I have to do all my socializing in the evenings, so whenever friends offer the chance to go do something — anything — I find myself saying yes. I love being around other people. I love helping people. I love being involved. So I am.

From the time I was in high school, I always liked to have a lot of balls up in the air. On top of school work, I was involved in the school yearbook, school magazine, school newspaper ... and on top of that, I participated in dance classes, voice lessons, and volunteer work ... and if that wasn't enough, I had two part-time jobs. I liked having places to go and people to see and responsibilities to undertake.

But of course you see where this was going. I could only keep all those balls in the air for so long before I started to break. The balls wouldn't fall — I was much too good at balancing them — so instead, it had to be me. And inevitably I would break down, wind up in tears at inopportune times (like, um, during class, or in front of my boss), and have to find an activity I could quit or withdraw from for a while. I never learned my lesson. I found this happening several times throughout high school and college.

And now, I can feel myself breaking again. I've been coming home in the evenings, capable of doing nothing but crashing in front of the TV or maybe playing Candy Crush, but then as soon as I go to bed, I can't sleep. My thoughts race all night even when I'm asleep, and I'm waking up exhausted. I feel so anxious I want to jump out of my skin.

I've been trying to take care of myself, but apparently I'm not doing a very good job.

All this to say, I think I need to take a break from this blog until I can get my ish together. I hope it will be soon, because I love writing it and hearing from you and telling stories, but I need to take care of myself first.

I'm sorry.